November 15, 2009

* By way of explanation

My name is Donna.  Doni to some dear friends, and Lady D to one soul.  Hello to all of you who may stumble upon these pages.  I plan to speak my truth, be authentic, be rude, be controversial, be angry, be ecstatic, be blissful, be romantic, be profane, say controverial things, be aware, be an observer, think out of the box, and be a little mad (as in off the wall) from time to time.  

I've lived on this planet for 63 years.  I find gravity comforting - it's consistent - and although I have fallen down, I've always been able to pull myself up. Gravity has kept me from falling OFF.  Until the age of fifty something I considered my life to be charmed.  I was too unconscious to believe anything else.  I lived those first fifty some years in a sort of blissful state of denial which I fully expected would continue until - well, you know --- 'the end' -- or 'the beginning' or however you wish to look at it.

About ten years ago my life began to unravel.  Depression hit hard, my husband flew off in our plane one day, neglecting to tell me he was not returning.  Being in denial didn't help, and after 2 years of mixed messages, he was gone for sure and I had ovarian cancer stage 3, for sure.  Somehow I made it through surgery, chemo and radiation with a lot of help from my friends and was sent home to recover --- but wait --- the phone rang.  Mamma was in the hospital, could I come home.  I wrapped my bald head in a turban and caught the next plane.  For the next 3 years I cared for my parents in their own home.  Mamma passed away 6 months after I moved to their place. Papa and I carried on for another 2 1/2 years together.  It was an honour to be able to do that for them.  There were exhilarating bits and ugly bits and everything in between.  We loved each other.

When Papa passed away, I had an acreage to clean up - 40 years of acreage to be exact.  2 houses, 3 garages, green house and storage shed.  It took me a year.  My family stayed away in droves.  I have one 'half sibling' who has a large family - all of whom I love dearly and miss terribly.  There is a 14 year difference in our ages, and one friend always said "You are the only 'only child' I know with a brother."  There is so much truth to that.    For the most part I have not seen them since and if I had to explain to anyone how or why this came about, I really couldn't.  

To make a long story short - since this all began - it's been 10 years.  I find myself alone, with pods of friends in far away lands, one or three provinces over, and a very few close around me.

When I attended a depression group after my husband left for good, the facilitator told us all in no uncertain terms ...'No one is coming' ... you are going to have to do this on your own.  Make a new life.

I made attempts - quilting clubs, art clubs, gyms, extension classes, none of which produced any major changes in my life.  I downsized some more.  Moved from a 2700 sq ft. house in the country to a 1000 sq. ft. condo in the city.  The stock market crashed taking my investments with it.  I moved to a 600 sq. ft. rental and downsized some more.  Now it's getting complicated - I'm living off my investments, so they will never recover.  What to do next.  

I think that's when it finally sunk in.  I am on my own ..... really and truly on my own.  It really is just me and my shadow.  I will think of myself as a traveling light.  At any rate, the truth of the matter is .... I am "Flying Solo"....

"This is the beginning of a new day. You have been given this day to use as you will. You can waste it or use it for good. What you do today is important because you are exchanging a day of your life for it. When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever; in its place is something that you have left behind...let it be something good." 

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