December 5, 2009

* Facets of a woman

                                                                   Pages from an old Journal
It is said the more facets a diamond has the higher its brilliance, or sparkle.  People with many facets seem to confuse other people.  They don't know quite what to do with them.  People with too many facets or 'sides to them'  are thought by many to be 'complicated'.  People like to deal with 'simple'.  How fucking boring!!!!  I have been told I need 'focus'.  I am too scattered.  I'm too moody.  I think too much.  I spread my energy over too many areas.  I'm interested in too many things.  I can't stay with one thing for a long period of time and this seems, in many people's eyes, to be 'wrong' ... a judgment perhaps?  In other words, I have too many facets. I 'sparkle' a little to much, and it blinds some people.  It makes them blink and they long for their sunglasses to take the glare away.   I fell into the trap and believed it.  I believed I 'should' change,  I 'should' focus on one or two things, I 'should' pick one purpose in life and stick with it.  After all, in other peoples opinions, that is the only way I would ever be 'worth' anything.  It is the only way I would be able to leave a 'legacy'.  Focus, Focus, Focus!!!  Pick ONE thing and be good at it.  Be recognized for it.  You are just 'wrong' ... listen to us, because we are 'right'! 

Well, BULLSHIT!  It makes me ANGRY!  How dare you tell me what to do?  How dare you judge who I 'should' be.  In your opinion???  And, that is just what it is .... your opinion.  I am finally beginning to accept myself just the way I am.  I'm finally able to say (at least on some days) .... "Donna, you are perfect, just the way you are .... enjoy!"  I'm happy I have my opinions which are a little out of the box!  I'm happy I have many interests.  I'm happy I like to explore different genres in life, and when I find out I can do something, I'm happy I want to move on to other areas.  That's OK with me.  .... It's who I am.  No, I'm not simple ... if you're looking for someone with simple thinking --- you're looking in the wrong place.  If you're looking for someone to accept without question ... look elsewhere! If you are looking for someone who is accepting, without communicating my thoughts --- it ain't me, baby!  No, I'm in all probability, not 'easy'.

With age, I am becoming a warrior!  With age, I am acquiring a knowing of who I am.  I am able to speak my truth.   With age, I am finding acceptance ... acceptance of 'me' .... how comforting.  I no longer fear what other people think of me. I don't particularly care if they judge me and talk behind my back to their friends.  I know who I am.  I am accountable to myself and my own integrity, which, by the way, I have a good chunk of.   I think perhaps it may come with the 'flying solo' territory.  I've had the time to think, time to discover who's been hiding inside me. Who's been taking care of others and not myself.   If I am not true to myself, if I don't honour my 'authentic' self, I won't survive. I feel like I will simply shrivel up and die.    Discovering my own unique soul has and is very freeing.  I have a long way to go.  I'm only beginning to be able to express myself without fear of judgment.  Heaven forbid I should cause someone else to be 'unhappy' ...  heaven forbid I might upset anyone else  ...   What a concept!!

So, who am I?  I am only now discovering aspects of myself which have been buried since childhood.  I was never allowed to be or show who I truly was.   I am beginning to understand how multifaceted I really am. I am at some level a Gypsy Woman.  I am digging, I am probing, I am scraping away layers, clawing and excavating deep into my spirit.  I feel like my own personal archeologist!  I want to be AWAKE, I want to be AWARE, I want to be able to observe myself without emotion and gently make changes,  I want to be more enlightened.  Some people are not able to support me on that one.  They think I'm simply reading too many 'self help' books.   I have lost a few dear friends along the way.  So be it.  I am no longer a 'price of tomatoes' kind of woman.  There is so much more to life than the superficial crap which plagues most conversations day after day.    I AM scattered ... I AM interested in many different areas of life.  I will keep trying different things, and when I find out I can do them and am reasonably good at it, I WILL move on.    I want to talk philosophy, I want to know about spirit, about who we are, about where we came from, about history, about how we as part of the universe have evolved.  I am interested in the afterlife, in reincarnation, in karma and how it affects our lives here on earth.  I'm interested in everything metaphysical.  I want to travel and see and do lots of different things. I want to experience different cultures.  I want to know their customs, how they think and why.  I am interested in where they have come from and how they have evolved.  Retail therapy doesn't do it for me anymore.  I don't want to shop!  I seem to be past it. Oh, I still want to look nice - so I do venture out to the shops, however, it doesn't excite me like it used to.   Give me some art in my studio, give me a project to build, some knitting, collage, painting, sewing, mixed media. Give me some really excellent TV programming - mostly PBS stations.  Give me some good live theatre, a great movie, museums, art, off the beaten track experiences, and people who are willing to share their thoughts and philosophy over a good meal, a glass of wine, and I will be happy.  Don't bore me with the almighty dollar talk ... don't bore me with what car you are driving, or how much your property has increased in value ....  there has to be more to life than money! I'm sick of discussing how much everything costs!  Is that who we have become??????  The almighty consumer???  How did we fall into that trap??  Are we that gullable?  We are constantly being marketed to ... we are constantly being told what to think and how to act.  Personally, I'm sick of it!  ... WAKE UP ... Who are we ... really?????  We are becoming a global community - the world is shifting into one huge wonderful family.  It will no doubt take time.  However, why are we still so judgmental?  Why are we still so racest?  Why do we believe because we are white we are right??   We are supposed to be 'educated' and 'enlightened'.  HAH!  Some of the comments I hear during conversations these days blow me away!  Why do we believe we are so RIGHT?  How dare we???????

OK, so I'm babbling!  I was talking about me, and who I am.  I simply want to be accepted and loved for who I am.  I want like minded people around me, supporting me, and I them.  I, as I have reiterated on this blog before, am longing for my tribe.

So who am I becoming - who am I 'really'?  I am a seeker, I am curious, I am searching for knowledge, I am a woman who wants to share, who cares deeply.  I am an artist.  I have opinions.  I want to know your opinions.  I have a good sense of humour.  I love to laugh.  I need other people around me.  I need support and want to support you.  I want to know lots of things about lots of different subjects.  I want to travel.  I like culture shock.  I want a home. I want a garden patch.  I want flowers.  I want goats and chickens. I want friends and dinner parties. I want theatre and poetry and music and restaurants and spas.  I want to paint, I want to create - just about anything I can dream up.  I want contentment. I long for a partner who loves me and whom I can love and support in return.  I want a partner who I can say anything to, I want to be open and transparent.    I am seeking peace.  I'm not sure that is complicated.  I think it is multifaceted.

Have you pondered who you are ... really .....?????  Think about it.  There are no simple answers.

    "When you look closely at people who are strange and complicated, they are actually beautiful"

                                                          WHAT MAKES MY HEART SING

PERSIAN CARPETS! The beauty, the colours, the textures, the weaving process, the materials used, the feel, the pattern, the stories they tell, the history, the families who weave them, the areas they come from, the practical uses, the palace rugs, the tribal rugs, how they are exported, the markets they are sold in  ... everything about them intrigues me.  Persian Carpets make my heart sing!

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