December 15, 2009

* Ka Ching (My Women of Free Epression)

A bit of a 'Ka Ching' moment occurred today.  What do I mean by 'Ka Ching'?  No, it's not a nibble of ancient Chinese wisdom, although it does have to do with 'deep knowing'.  I liken a 'Ka Ching' moment to a slot machine.  The moment when it all comes together,  all the bells and whistles go off, all the money drops down and out, all the lights flash, and finally, after trying and trying and struggling to pull the handle time after time --- you finally 'get it' --- you hit the jackpot.  It's like that in life.  Many things I understand intellectually, in my head.  Do I understand them at a 'body' level?  At a 'cellular' level?  At a soul level?  Do I really have that deep deep knowing?  A 'Ka Ching' moment does all that for me --- I no longer struggle with trying to understand.  It all drops down.  It's all there.  Absorbed in my higher consciousness.  I simply 'know' at some deep, mysterious level what it's all about.

I had that kind of a moment around the group of paintings from my Free Expression classes with Carolyn James.   It suddenly occurred to me there was a woman in every painting.  It suddenly occurred to me that every woman in each painting was me.  Not only 'just' me .... but bits and pieces of me, facets of me.  'Ka Ching'!!

My first painting is the woman above.  She is sad. Tears drip down her cheeks splashing into the ocean below.  (full circle)  She tries desperately to hold on to the sun which is setting.  It slip's from her grasp.  She hasn't felt grounded in many years.  She longs for that missing part of herself.  She emerges from a palm tree, even her hands are growing roots so she may plant anew and discover unknown parts of herself, new leaves, new blossoms.  Her past, with all it's glory, all its love, all its joy and all it's pain, is setting.  She is finally able to allow it to 'slip' below the horizon.  It's time to move on.

The second painting is one of vulnerability.  She rides a huge well taken care of, well loved, bejeweled horse.  She holds on to her beautiful horse, not quite on his back, but not off either.  The horse knows where to go - knows where the next safe place to step is.  A huge serpent rises from the water in front of them.  She is totally aware all she has to do is hold on and 'trust'.  She is, in fact, safe.  I do understand that principle  in regard to my life.  As long as I allow myself to totally surrender to the Universe, the Divine Mother, all I have to do is hold on and trust.  When I ask, Divine Mother will show me where to take my next step.  It really is all about trust, being very awake and being very aware.

The third painting represents sexuality and sensuality.  She stands naked and alone in her garden, planting a group of well formed penises into a beautiful clay pot..  The painting is named, 'The Joy of Gardening'.  She too offers me wisdom.  I can be alone and still enjoy my sexuality and sensuality.

Next, appeared a complicated painting with many components.  The woman climbs a broken ladder to a pool of water in the golden chalice.  The water represents the essence of life.  She's not able to go back, the rungs are broken.  Ahead of her the path narrows and the rungs are unreliable and worn, however she is determined to keep climbing. She is protected symbolically by Russian Orthodox crosses.  She understands she is never alone.  She absolutely knows she is connected and is part of the incredible, beautiful, mind blowing Universe, God, the Divine Mother, Goddess, All That Is, Buddah, Allah, however you wish to look at it.  She is unable to look back because it may cause her to fall, so she simply keeps climbing.  She understands this is a huge part of why she is here.

Is she saying goodbye or hello?  Is she leaving her tribe?  Her past?  Is she finding a new tribe?  A new place of belonging?  A home?  I suspect this painting represents a little of both.

When she was married to the love of her life, "Home" was always 'together'.  Home was wherever he was.  Flying Solo, even after all these years, she has not found 'home'.  She is still searching.  She innately knows 'home' is her soul.  That seems to be difficult for her to accept. 

In the last painting, a very powerful image emerges.  She ponders her life.  She wears her heart on her sleeve.  No longer does she stuff all her feelings down inside her.  She has become stronger, she can speak her truth, she knows who she is and she's willing to 'do the work' to move ahead.  The hat she wears is an all knowing hat, topped again by a Russian Orthodox cross.  She knows she is always protected.

She sits on a bed of nails over the hot coals and burning lava of a volcano.  It erupts through her entire body, burning away the old, making way for the new.  It is painful.  She knows she must allow it and must let go.  Allowing the old to burn away, the new will have room to enter her life.  She endures the pain and looks forward to tomorrow.  Very symbolic of my huge exercise in downsizing.  Painful, but necessary.

Well, Caroline ... I get it ... I've had a Ka Ching moment.  All I can say is Thank You!

For more detailed information on Free Expression Painting, and/or taking workshops with Caroline James, please see my post entitled "Free Expression Painting".

"Your life has an inner purpose and an outer purpose. Inner purpose concerns Being and is primary. Outer purpose concerns doing and it is secondary. Your inner purpose is to awaken. It is as simple as that. You share that purpose with every other person on the planet - because it is the purpose of humanity. Your inner purpose is an essential part of the purpose of the whole, the universe and its emerging intelligence. Your outer purpose can change over time. It varies greatly from person to person. Finding and living in alignment with the inner purpose is the foundation for fulfilling your outer purpose. It is the basis for true success. Without that alignment, you can still achieve certain things through effort, struggle, determination, and sheer hard work or cunning. But there is no joy in such endevor, and it invariably ends in some form of suffering."
Eckhart Tolle : Gaia Child

 CAMP FIRES.  Camp fires cause wonderful happenings.  They cause people to get together.  They cause people to enjoy others company. They cause people to have actual conversations about interesting stuff.  They cause laughter.  They cause friendships to unfurl. It's the light of the fire against the blue of an evening sky.  It's the sparks that fly up into the endless blackness as the sky turns to ebony.  It's the company and the conversation. It's being alone with just the fire to keep me company.  It's the smell of burning wood.  The poking and prodding required to keep the fire alive.  The texture of the wood as you add it to the flames.  Chopping logs and gathering twigs and branches for kindling.  It's the feel of the night air.  The damp as the dew falls upon the earth.  The marshmallows. The memories of all the camp fires I've ever sat around. It's the sound, the crackle and the pop.  The peace, the quiet, and the mesmerizing rhythm of the flames.  I miss camp fires.  Camp Fires make my heart sing.

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