December 1, 2009

* Thirty Three

33 more sleeps 'til I leave for SMA!!!  The countdown has begun!

In 25 more sleeps, it will be Christmas.  The holly bush next door is full of berries and I admire it every day.

Christmas has changed greatly for me over the past 10 years.  I don't like the direction it has taken, and this year I've made a vow.  I will not spend another holiday season without a celebratory feeling of joy in my heart.  When I lost the love of my life, I not only lost my partner and part of myself, but also an entire family. Truly regretable.  An entire group of people literally disappeared from my world in a blink.  My parents crossed over, and another huge piece of the world as I  knew it disappeared.  Circumstances beyond anyones control witnessed the loss of the majority of my own family of origin.  Cracks, holes, huge caverns, sink holes and bottomless pits appeared in my life which I simply did not know how to fill.  It was as though  an 'eight on the richter scale' earthquake had struck.  My world simply disintegrated and there were too many pieces missing to put it back together again.  Just when I picked myself up off the ground and began to feel steady, the aftershocks came and the tsunami hit me from behind and I was down again.  Such mammoth disconnection occurred over a short period of time.  I found myself reeling and spinning out of control.  It's amazing where this life has taken me.  I have grieved far toooo long.  NO MORE!  Life hits you where you least expect it, doesn't it?  I guess that's why I am always so shocked.  Never in a million years, when I was four, sitting in the sand pile outside our home, eating spoon fulls of sand to make my friend laugh, did I dream I would be 'flying solo' at 63! (I know ... that's a run- on sentence!)  However, here I am!!!!!!!!!!!

So, what am I doing about it?  I'm making my way, baby step by baby step.  I do know I am reinventing myself and moving forward, all be it, at a slower pace than I would like.  Patience is not one of my strong points.  Life, however, is teaching me about patience whether I want to learn or not.

I have had copious amounts of therapy.  It has been successful.  It has taken a very long time.  It has been agonizing work.  The process is a slow one.  I am now more healed than wounded, and am confident I can change my life, and am doing so, in any area I may choose to.  Christmas is one of those areas.

This year, three of us are planning a Champagne Christmas breakfast.  Tom and Jerry's will be served first - from an old traditional recipe which has been in Jeans' family for generations.  Christmas music and morning chats around the fireplace.  I will attempt to play carols on the piano.  Then - bring on the Champagne.  David is making eggs benedict.  I'm not sure what my contribution will be.  Setting the table??  I do enjoy setting a beautiful table.  China, crystal, silver, flowers and candles.  Yes, that will be my contribution!  We are having 'stockings' - all three of us thought that would be fun.  There will be small packages of delight.

Christmas afternoon and evening is being spent with another friend.  We will make a lovely meal, put the music on, have interesting conversation, a few laughs, and perhaps a long walk in the park with the dogs if its a lovely day.  Oh, and of course, don't forget the bubbly.

So .... it is beginning.  The start of many years as I learn a new way of celebration.  A new way of looking at the season.  Not from a position of what I am lacking from the past, but what treasures I am filling it up with in the here and now.  Wanting what I have!  It's a good start.  For the first time in many years, I am looking forward to Christmas. 

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are. Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart. Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

               WHAT MAKES MY HEART SING?                                               

SUNFLOWERS!!  I came across these pages in an old journal.  Guess I've always loved sunflowers.  When I was very young, we grew them in our garden.  The birds adored them.  It would be fun to plant some again.  Perhaps next spring.  I love the colour and the shape.  The petals are great, the centers are intricate and beautifully textured.  The way they hang their heads is ... well, what can I say ... they look shy, perhaps a little coy, and very sexy.  In the fall, at the farmers markets, buckets full of sunflowers are glorious to see. Like buckets full of sunshine.   I like to fill my house with them.  Sunflowers make my heart sing!

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