January 17, 2010

* Authenticity

 Today will be nothing about Mexico, my adventures, or SMA.  Today will be about my word for the year.   


Patti, the author of the very enjoyable "Nomadic Notebook" blog inspired me to come up with a word for the year 2010.  Something I can focus on.  If you are getting hooked on blogs, as I am, you will certainly enjoy Patti's @ http://nomadicnotebook-patty.blogspot.com/

For many years now, I have been working on being my true, authentic self.  Working on all those bits which have been hidden away while I was 'who I thought I should be'.  While I was being who 'society and my parents' dictated I would be.  No more. It's over! I attempt to ban 'should' from my vocabulary.  I dislike the word intensely! It has no validity and is strongly connected with judgment.  This year, I'm hoping to 'complete the task' of becoming my authentic self .. (is this task ever completed??????) .... well, to the degree which I can at least feel very comfortable in my own skin.

In the past few years, I have learned to stop pleasing others so they will 'like' me.  I have learned to speak my truth in what I hope is a kind and gentle way.  When I first began to speak my truth, it seemed harsh.  It probably was.  I was not used to saying what I truly thought or felt.  Over the years, I am learning to remove the emotion from what I have to say, to detach myself, and speak in an authentic way.  It does get easier with practice.  

I have learned to say "No" without guilt or shame attached.  A huge one for me.  The first time I told someone I couldn't, wouldn't, or simply didn't want to, I'm sure oxygen and a stiff cognac was required.  I've learned I am not required to explain.  I simply do not explain anymore.  My explanations are between the Divine Mother and myself.  I am learning to love myself, As is, Where is!  Huge!  Still working on that one.  

I am learning to belong in my body.  To be present.   I'm learning to honour my body.  I'm learning it is a big big gift.  I'm learning it is my home while I am here on earth.  I'm learning, baby step by baby step, to take care of it.  I'm learning to honour my instincts, my intuition.  I'm learning they are always right!  

I am learning to look at the 'old rules' I was brought up with.  The 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts'.  I have taken every one of them, analyzed it, pondered upon it and decided if it serves me well in the here and now.  In many instances, the rule is not relevant in my life.  I have put those in the garbage can.  I am learning not to take on every one elses energy.  I once absorbed it like sponge cake.  I am not responsible for anyone else but myself.  

I am learning not to 'help' unless someone asks me to. It messes up their Karma and mine when I become involved where I have not been invited.  Should someone choose to ask for my help or advise, that is different.  I am there for them in a minute. I am happy to share what I think, or do whatever I can.  I've learned helping and fixing someone elses' 'stuff' when they do not desire it causes nothing but grief.  It absolutely does not work.  I have completely abandoned the idea.  

I am learning I came into this earthly plane whole and complete.  Only my parental and social conditioning have made me feel incomplete.  I'm learning to delve into that arena and sort the wheat from the chaff.  I am learning to be 'clear' when I speak.  I am learning being 'clear' to some people means being far too direct and blunt.  I'm learning most people take it personally.  I am learning not to take things personally.  

I am learning to protect and care for my needs.  I am learning to set healthy boundaries.  I am learning to talk things through and get feed back to make sure we are both on the 'same page'.  I am learning as human beings in a huge universe, we are all one ... all connected.  I am learning to honour that.  I am learning that perfection is not the end all and be all.  Perfectionism nearly killed me.  I am learning to let it go.  

I am learning to live in the here and now, to be totally present in my body.  To focus and give my undivided attention to what is good for me.  To listen and expect to be heard.  Not to multi-task when someone is trying to speak with me.  This is not how I wish to honour another human being.  

I am learning there is a time for meditation and prayer.  A time to be quiet and listen to the Universe.  I am learning to trust I will be taken care of.  I am learning to trust there is a larger plan.  I am learning to let go of control.  I am learning you are what you focus on.  I'm learning intention is huge.  

I am learning to allow myself to 'be'.  To 'be' with my emotions, to 'be' with my aches and pains, to 'be' with my dreams.  They all need attention.  Once I can allow myself to 'be' with whatever needs to be heard, it feels honoured and responds in appropriate way.

It is a challenging path.  I WANT to be there.  I WANT to do the work.  To dig into my soul and allow myself to acknowledge my shadow side .... there is certainly enough of it.  It's hard work.  I LOVE doing it.  

This year, I am hoping to break more barriers.  I am hoping to feel more complete when I am alone.  I am hoping to get to know myself even better. I'm hoping to attend to my own need in a kinder gentler way.  I'm learning to treat myself like I would my best friend.  I am hoping to find what I am really longing for, what I ache for, what my purpose is on earth.

I feel something is ready to explode, to send forth a volcanic eruption .... to show me who I really am.  There is something I have missed.  Something I have stepped over without noticing.  I want the little bits of the facade which are left to fall away this year.  To become a pile of rubble beneath the feet of who I really am, my AUTHENTIC self. 

I want to know what it feels like to feel proud of myself.  I have never known that feeling.  I want to honour my strengths and love me weaknesses.  I want to adore myself exactly the way I am, in this moment in time.  I long for my true Authentic self to be birthed!  This is the year.  2010.  I will find the last bits of myself who are holding up in the caves, hiding, not wanting to be discovered.  I am so near.  I can feel it!  Viva 2010!!!  I am moving forward.  I am finding my own AUTHENTICITY!

"Authentic is letting go of the things in your life that are false, that really don’t mean anything. Society in general is under such a hypnotic overlay that they forget about what’s really important. They get very unauthentic, very distracted, doing everything to try to – how to say – just get by. Doing everything to just have enough. Doing everything to either please others or to keep others from getting upset with them – and that is not authentic."  ~ Adamus St. Germain

Grumpy Marshall Weather Report for San Miguel de Allende for Monday, January 18, 2010

Jan 18

Hi: 71°
Lo: 45°
Day: Sunny skies. High 71F, humidity 40%. Winds SW at 10 to 15 mph. Air Quality: NA, UV Index: 8
Night: Clear skies. Low 45F. Winds S at 5 to 10 mph.
Please see Brene Brown, PHD ... her site link is http://www.ordinarycourage.com/

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