May 19, 2010

*Contemplating What Now?

“Don’t die with your music still inside you. Listen to
your intuitive inner voice and find what passion stirs
your soul.”
- Dr. Wayne Dyer

“In the absence of clearly-defined goals, we become
strangely loyal to performing daily trivia until ultimately
we become enslaved by it.”
- Robert Heinlein

Contemplate:  "To consider thoroughly; think fully or deeply about."

I've been doing some of that 'contemplating' stuff.  Sitting quietly,  reflecting upon what has just occurred, how it is affecting me, how it may be changing my direction, what lessons I am learning, how I am changing because of it.  

Has it changed my my belief system?  No.  I believe with all my heart I am on the right path.  I never want to loose my faith in the human race.  I never want to loose my innate ability to trust, or see the good in my fellow man.  I will not stop believing in a loving and supportive Universe.  Do I believe we have life lessons to learn.  Do I believe we choose those lessons?   Definitely!  Would I approach the situation differently if I had to do it over again.  Of course.  I would have put myself first.  (One of my challenges.)  I would protect myself from the possibilities of what happened.  Therefore the results of my actions would have been different.  I have learned a valuable lesson.  I'm sure there will be other opportunities to practice what I have learned.  There always is.  In the future, I must not become complacent or 'lax' in my awareness.  This has all happened for a reason.

Will this change my focus?  Definitely.  It cannot help but do that.  When the market crashed a couple of years ago, I lost nearly half my investments.  Now, I have lost another 25% of what was left.  I am down to 'bare bones' living.   The huge change in the market terrified me.  I had my economic life planned out to a 'T' until I was 90.  I absolutely knew I could take care of myself.  I felt like I was in control.  You know what they say.  While you are busy planning, Divine Mother smiles and changes everything.  I learned to let go of the fear.  I learned to trust the Universe would care for me, perhaps not in the ways I had planned, but care for me nonetheless.  This time, oddly enough I am not afraid.  Fear is not a part of this experience.  It's much more about trust.  It's much more about following my instincts and my intuition.  A few times during this process, I had 'red flags' pop up.  I ignored them.  I 'wanted' to ignore them.  I didn't want to honour that 'pit' in my stomach.  Next time I will.

It may change my focus in other ways.  I may look more seriously at what I am passionate about.  I may work through the fear and doubt regarding my art.  I may set radical goals to put my creative abilities out there.  I may work hard, get 'fired up' about it, and make it happen.  I've been musing over an idea of combining words with my art in some fashion and intertwining them into a 'couple'.  Perhaps a book.  Perhaps classes.  Perhaps retreats.  Perhaps ????  This time, it's the ideas, not the lack of money which is causing me fear.  Fear I am 'no good'.  Fear I am not 'worthy'.  Fear I 'can't' or am 'incapable' of pulling it off.  I will be forced to look those fears in the eye and stare them down.  I will be forced to work though them.  There will be no going around them this time.  They are screaming.  Ignoring them again for long periods of time is not an option.
So, how will I face up to all of this?  How will I find the courage to work through these fears, set intentions and goals and see these ideas through to fruition?  Not sure yet.  Can't afford a coach.  That would be ideal.  Second thought ... perhaps it would not be ideal.  Perhaps the situation is meant to be just the way it is.  Perhaps assistance and encouragement and possibly a mentor will come from other places, not yet known to me. I believe when one is ready, the teacher appears.  I believe I am ready ... well ... almost anyway.   Who knows at this stage.  

All I know is I have creative ideas which have been screaming to get out for a very long time.  Fear has stopped me.  My intuition says these ideas could assist me with my standard of living.  My intuition says these ideas could bring me great joy.  My intuition says it is time to express through the fear and see what happens.  

These are difficult barriers for me to break through in this life time.  These are part of the lessons I have chosen.  I know it's time.  No doubt about it ... I'm scared spitless!

Five Truths about Fear Truth 1. The fear will never go away as long as I continue to grow. Truth 2. The only way to get rid of the fear of doing something is to go out and do it. Truth 3. The only way to feel better about myself is to go out… and do it. Truth 4. Not only am I going to experience fear whenever I’m on unfamiliar territory, but so is everyone else. Truth 5. Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.
~  Susan Jerrers quote from 'Feel the Fear .... and Do It Anyway'

It may take 'baby steps', however I will fly!

The Universe plays strange, wonderful little tricks on me.  Like just now for instance.  I have written this blog.  I have been 'pondering' life.  It's 3:36 am.  My 'Note from the Universe" just flys into my email box.  It has the following message:
What really matters? What's really important? Why bother? Who cares? What's it all for?
Donna Parker. You, Donna, it's all about you. What you like and dislike. What you want and don't want. What makes you smile and laugh. What makes you learn and grow.

Selfish? How else could you shine your light? How else could you possibly hope to lift the world? How else could you be all that we dreamed you might be?
Donna, it's our turn!

Selfish of me -
    The Universe

What more can I say.  Hope you all have a wonderful day. xx

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