May 5, 2010

* I've been thinking ....

Reading my blogging friends writings has got me thinking deeply about life.  So many of you are so active, so creative, so .... putting yourselves out there.  You all amaze me.  You all inspire me.  You are all courageous and oh so gutsy!  One of you is 'growing a career', living in a very spiritual way, while moving and taking care of your family.  Another is 'asking' for a child while creating special projects each week.  An outspoken activist with incredible ideas for making things better ... dealing with the day to day issues of her religion, marriage, children, family, and the loss of a treasured baby.  Still one more being of spirit bubbling over with creativity through photography, writing, holding retreats and now hospice training.  A healer living a spiritual, creative, life in Taiwan.

What am I doing with my life?  Better still, what am I not doing with my life.  I have lived with fear for so long and it was very debilitating.  Most of that has dissipated thanks to much hard work.  I am left with the question.  How do I want to USE my life?  How do I want to LIVE my life?  What is left inside me that I want to 'put out there'!

I absolutely KNOW I want to live my life 'on purpose'.   Each day I try to live each moment deliberately and with consciousness.  I think action with purpose in every small thing we do is where it all begins.  Walking with purpose.  Enjoying the walk and being aware of our surroundings.  Seeing, listening, hearing, smelling and touching.  Eating my food with purpose.  Shopping for that food with purpose.  Meeting my friends with purpose ... hearing what they say ... truly being present to listen and understand their lives.  Expecting the same in return.  Being selective about who I surround myself with.  It's important for me to allow genuine, loving, true, honest, high energy into my surroundings.  I've lost my patience with those who don't 'get it'.  I can no longer be a 'fixer', nor do I any longer want to try and fix someone else.  I need to concentrate on myself.  The way I look at it is this:  If I am not at my best, how can I be of use to others and to the world.  It all starts with taking care of me.  To some of you that may sound selfish.  I have learned it definitely is not!

I digress.  So .... what music is still inside me that needs to be expressed.  SOOOO MUCH!  Sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode.  I feel unfocused and don't seem to have the knowledge of what to do next.  Sometimes I don't really know what needs to come out -- I only know 'something' is in there which is making me feel 'full' and explosive.   I am asking the Universe to guide me.  I have art I want to 'put out there'.  I have writing I want to 'put out there'.  Let's just say it like it is.  I want to 'hang in a gallery' and 'be published'.  I want my words and my art to somehow intertwine and go out into this world as a couple.  How does that work?  I don't have a clue.  I only know it's in me, and somehow, I must express it.  Somehow I must KNOW it will happen.  I must trust when the circumstances are right, everything I need to proceed will be there and it will all show up precisely when it is needed. It's about acting on my ideas.  It's about intention.  It's again about baby steps.

What are my plans?  I'm now quite sure.  Things are not clear to me yet.  I do have a knowing deep down somewhere, Mexico has an important place in this.  I do know Quinta de Luz must be finished first and I must be settled and comfortable.  I do know I want to study art with Nina and work hard for some period of time.  I do know I want to continue my writing.  More than that ... I do not know.  It will evolve.  I love surprises.  First of all intention.  I intend to put my art and writing out as a couple.  Next ... act on it.  Do not be concerned about the outcome.  These are my immediate thoughts.  Beyond that as I said, I do not know.

Life is such a mystery.  Don't you just love it?

Some scenes on my morning walk to de Luz

"Live with intention.  Walk to the edge.  Listen hard.  Practice wellness.  Play with abandon.  Laugh.  Choose with no regret.  Appreciate your friends.  Continue to learn.  Do what you love.  Live life as if this is all there is."  ~  Mary Anne Radmacher

"Begin each day as if it were on purpose"  ~  May Anne Radmacher

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