June 2, 2010

* It's up to WHO?

It's true!  It is ALL up to me.  When I saw this sign, it gave me a firm elbow in the ribs.  "Get on with it!"  "What is it you want?"  "Figure it out and DO IT!"

Oh, I realize no body is coming.  I am here on my own so to speak.  Yes, there are people on this earth who love me and will do all they can for me ... HOWEVER .... it ALL has to come from within.  No one else can dig it up and spit it out for me.  No one is going to dump a shovel full in front of me and say "There you go Donna .... this is what you want .... this is what you must do in order to be fulfilled.  Do this, and this, and this .... then you will feel complete, fulfilled and fantastically satisfied.  There it is Donna, right in front of you.  Get on with it!"  Not that easy, I'm afraid.  Not for me at least.

So what exactly is this rumbling ... this deep volcanic action inside me?  I can hear it.  I can feel it.  There is a burning deep down in my gut. It's hot.  It's uncomfortable.  How do I coax it out?  How do I woo the rumbling and bubbling to the surface?  How do I implore it to come out from their depths, naked and bursting forth with clarity?

Besides, I'm sixty-something.  Am I not supposed to be 'winding down'?  Putting my feet up on the porch, a sittin' and a rockin' and a rockin' and a sittin'?  Oh, that's right .. sixty-something is the new forty-something.  If that is in fact the case, I had better hurry up and deal with this, because I'm sure that eighty-something is not the new sixty-something!  Age has to catch up with me at some point.

I'm bewitched, bothered and bewildered ... let's throw in confused as well.  And, no, unfortunately it is not 'affairs of the heart'.   Just when I thought everything was coming together.  All the pieces of the puzzle seemed to be falling from the sky, producing this 'pretty little picture'.  NOT!  There is more!

And so .... as the heat of the day subsides in San Miguel ... as the shadows become long ... as the sun lowers itself in the sky ... I will keep on soul searching.  I will continue to ask the Universe to show me, to guide me, to allow me to experience life to the fullest.  To meet my potential, to birth whatever this is inside me.  I will keep putting one foot in front of the other.  I will continue to listen to the bird song, see the morning light, watch the sun reappear over the distant mountains and taste that first sip of fresh coffee.  I will continue to count my graces.  I will continue to ask 'where do I begin, show me my next step."

This evening, we (Sylvia and I), sat in the shade at her beautiful mosaic table and enjoyed tapas and a drink.  Looking out over the hills of San Miguel, simply watching the light change is breath taking.

"Everything that has ever been lived, everything that has ever been written down or documented, has been vibration first. Everything has been conjured in vibration first before it manifests. So if something has manifested and you continue to give it your attention, the fact that it is true should really hold no weight with you. The question that we would ask is not, is it true, or is it undeniable? The question that we would ask is, how does it make me feel when I focus upon it? And if the answer to the question is, it doesn't make me feel very good when I focus upon it, then we would say, true or not, it does not serve you. And if you will activate a different part of your vibration--the "truth" will shift."
--- Abraham

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