September 23, 2010

* Loss and a not so great diagnosis

Loss.  What's it all about.  As Patty was saying at Nomadic Journal a couple of days ago ... things like this presented to us are an opportunity for growth.  Well, frankly I'm sick of opportunities.  I don't want any more.  I feel like I can't take any more.  I don't want to grieve again.  I don't want to feel empty again.  I'm sick of loss.  I'm sick of abandonment.  I'm not sure I can find the strength to handle any more.  I might crumble into an empty heap of skin.  Everything inside me dissolved and decayed and eaten away, from loss.  How do I grieve yet again.  How do I recover.  How do I pick up the pieces and carry on.  I don't have any of the answers.  Tonight I feel very alone and vulnerable.  Tonight I'm not sure I can or want to carry on.  I lost one of the best friends I've ever had today. A friend of fifty-eight years.  A friend who is aware of everything that ever went on in my life. All the history.  All the good bits and all the bad bits.  All the fun and frolic.  All the great times together.  A friend that was an integral part of our family.  A friend I don't know if I can live without. Oh, by the way, my friend is not dead.  Just lost to me in particular. 

An appointment with the Dr. today revealed I have gonartrosis arthritis in my knee.  I actually think it's in both knees.  It's not osteoarthiritis, however it is degenerative.  I have been referred to a specialist in Querteraro.  Tomorrow I will make the appointment.  I've always thought walking is a good thing.  This past month or so, I haven't been doing too much of that.  Today the Dr. gave me some pain control which should allow me to walk in a couple of days.  Why now?  How did it come on so suddenly?  So many questions.  Surrender and acceptance yet again is needed.  I'm so sick of being aware and awake.  I'm so sick of being detached.  I'm so sick of being objective.  I'm so sick of surrendering and accepting.  I don't want any more 'tests' on this journey.  Any more bumps in the road.  I've had enough.  I'm don't want to deal with anymore.  So there!  End of story.  End of my whine for today.

 "When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight."
Kahlil Gibran


  1. You make me examine so many aspects of loss and grief in this post. I hope that the days become kinder.

    Pain is never pretty, I just looked up gonartrosis, do you think it came on suddenly, or was it masked by other things?

    Get better Lady D.

  2. I'm sorry I brought all that 'stuff' up for you, Salma. I just needed to rave. I've made a decision to move forward quickly and let it go. I do not have the time to spend on an issue I can do nothing about.

    I don't honestly know about my knee. Both of them used to dislocate when I was younger - very painful. No one seemed to take it too seriously, but sometimes I couldn't walk for days. Perhaps that is a factor. Who knows.

    Thanks for dropping in. Always appreciated. I hope you two are feeling better. Take care of yourself, Salma. This is a very special time in your life. In my prayers, Girl!

  3. Lady D, everyday is a new day. I am a better more humble person than I was a year and a half ago because of grief.
    It's good to see others writing and emerging from life's curve balls. I admire the way you write and speak about things.