May 30, 2011

* Did I tell you?? ....

There are lots of things I haven't told you lately.  When I began this blog, it was all about speaking my truth.  It was all about my journey and moving forward.  It was about my 'coming out' party, healing from a very long and difficult depression.  It was all about becoming whole and 'Flying Solo' again.  I believe I said in my first post, words like: "I plan to speak my truth, be authentic, be rude, be controversial, be angry, be ecstatic, be blissful, be romantic, be profane, be aware, be an observer, think out of the box, and be a little mad (as in off the wall) from time to time."  

I've slowly shifted away from this philosophy simply because I have grown, and done some incredible healing.  I have grown so far beyond being afraid of Flying Solo,  I felt the need to change the name of my blog.  It simply didn't fit anymore.  I'm in such a different place.  There are times however, when I must 'get back to basics', be honest about my journey and share what needs to be out there.

I have found my creative self, and am allowing her to flourish. Such a huge blessing for me.   It doesn't mean 'stuff' isn't happening.  It doesn't mean I don't want to record the journey with all the hills and valleys of a normal life.  I do.  That's what makes it real for me, and that's what will make it worth while to me when I read it ten years from now.  It is my hope, sharing some of my journey may help others with the rough spots in their own life.

So .. here's what I have not shared with you.  I am WAY out of emotional balance.  Doing what had to be done to complete this house nearly finished me.  The last six months was hell. I was given no alternative but to fight.  This is new to me.  It's not part of my authentic self.  I found anger within I didn't know existed.  I had no one to soften the blow, I had no soft place to fall.  I became everything I detested in a human being.  Rude, obnoxious, outspoken, sarcastic and uncaring to others needs.  I thought only of myself and what needed to be done to complete my home.  Absolutely no other approach worked.  I tried them all.

I became a different person.   I did what I had to do to complete this project.  I literally made it happen.  The anger which accompanied the process has taken it's toll.  I didn't know I had it in me.   Amazing what we find in the depths, isn't it.  The process has not been without it's mutations.  I did what I had to do and am now paying the price. I'm exhausted emotionally.  I need time to heal, time to find my balance again.  It will happen.  I am allowing it.  Patience is the key.  I am learning.

Next thing on the list I have not shared with you, for the record of my journey.  I have severe osteoarthritis in both knees.  No way around it.  It hit suddenly, out of the blue.  First one knee and a couple months later, the other.  Walking is difficult. A cane is now my companion.  I am no longer mobile.  It's a shock.  Walking more than a block and standing more than a couple of minutes impossible.  DECISION:  Have both my knees replaced.   I will not spend the rest of my life living like this.  It's out of the question.  I am in constant pain.  I need to be mobile.  After all, I have things to do ... places to go ... and I'm excited about that!  I need to LIVE my life.

What else haven't I told you?  Oh yes, I'm addicted to prescription drugs.  Our generation was the first generation to be blessed with medicine in just about all fields.  Our parents were awe struck.  Their children didn't need to suffer, they could consume a pill and be 'cured'.   We were taught to hold Doctors at the same height as Mt. Everest ... after all they were gods!  We took there potions without question.  After all that acceptance and belief,  I am addicted to prescription drugs. It's time to think for myself again.  It's hell getting off them, however I am determined.  I was misdiagnosed some thirty years ago.  The last time I asked a Dr. for assistance to get off a drug, she gave me another drug to assist in the process. That was about eight years ago.   Should it happen you are addicted to some 'hard' drug such as cocaine or heroin, rehab is available.  If it's a prescription drug, born and raised by the pharmaceutical industry, you are on your own.  I've made a personal decision.  I'm coming off drugs.  It's hell.  I've had nights of gasping for air.  I've had panic attacks.  I've had side effects you can't imagine.  The drug I am coming off, once considered to be the best drug ever to be introduced to the market place for its particular purpose, is now considered by many in the field to be poison.  Law suits are launched but never make it to court, because the pharmaceutical industry makes sure clients are paid off before the case becomes public.   God forbid the pharmaceutical industry should be in question.  It's big business, it's corporate North America, and the bottom line is the almighty dollar. What else can I say.  I am angry. 

Over the past five years, I have successfully left one powerful drug behind, and am close to leaving the second one in the dust.  The third will be the most difficult.  It is the most addictive.  I will do it.

Don't worry!  Tomorrow I will be back to my usual self .. my creative self ... the self I love and nurture.  In the meantime, I have been honest about some of the darker parts of my life which must be nurtured and healed.

Thank you for listening.  I know it's not pretty.  We all have our issues in life.  No one is exempt. These are mine.  I wouldn't trade with anyone else ...  

The turning point in the process of growing up is when you discover the core of strength within you that survives all hurt.  ~Max Lerner, The Unfinished Country, 1950


  1. Poor Donna, I know what you are fighting against! I hoope you will soon find healing for your knees, but the rest will take time to heal. But I know you are strong, and so you will manage it. It's OK to be angry, too but be angry with those who deserve it, not with yourself! Take care, my frined, I am thinking of you! Hugs, valerie

  2. Dearest Donna,
    You are very brave! To share your personal life and feelings with us shows us how amazing you are. Life is made up of good and then bad or difficult times and you will pull thru. You have a goal and a direction, that is most important. I wish you well on this medical journey and I know you can do it. Just look and see how far you have come already.
    take care, gerri

  3. You certainly have it right about the drug companies. It is scary how much power they have. especially in the USA. I have osteoarthritis too and I know it can make me very grouchy. I have always been very sensitive to drugs and mistrustful of doctors so have avoided them.I would wish that you could find someone nearby to help with your struggle. I can only imagine how hard it is.Your honesty is beautiful !! Blessed be!..Donna

  4. Donna, I am sending you a fierce hug. I don't have the words to tell you how you have touched my heart. You are an amazing strong woman and I thank you for telling your truth. Leslie

  5. Donna, I'm so glad you have shared this with us! I have been around for a while now and I am still here. why? Because you are a strong and generous woman, compassionate, creative and open-minded. All things I aspire to be. You totally inspire me!

    I have walked with you through some of your struggles and seen you emerge on the other side, with grace and bravery. I know this will be no different.

    My hubby is struggling with the exact same knee issues. He is so reluctant to have them replaced because it will mean the end of singles tennis and he does not want to give it up.

    So sorry to hear about the prescription issues. But so good that you are stepping up and putting it out there. Super important first step to dealing with it.

    I (as well as the rest of this group) am here to support in any possible. Go ahead and rant a bit because sometimes that helps! Sending you giant hugs,

    P.S. I so appreciate your thoughtful comments on my latest post!!

  6. It takes great strength to share our pain with others I hope you find the relief and freedom that you require. I wish you well in your on going battles and thank you for sharing them with us.


  7. Difficult and brave words...but know this: You DO have a soft place to is us, your Art Tribe...we care...old friends, new friends...we are in this together. Tell us what you need, be open to a lovely future. xx Jane

  8. You have displayed the courage of a survivor.. keep seeking! Perhaps an online "rehab" group for prescrition drug users is out there? All the best with your knee surgery. Keep on keeping on.

  9. I want to thank each and every one of you for your kind words and support. If you were here, I would be giving each of you a huge hug. Jane mentioned my tribe .. you are definitely part of that. You are oh so appreciated. xxDonna

  10. Nancy .. interesting you mention on line groups. I found an on line protocol for withdrawing from this particular drug. It has been developed by a Dr. in the States .. the most helpful thing I have found. Thanks for your suggestions. Donna

  11. Dear Donna,
    You are showing so much strength by sharing this with us. I am sure it is a very important part of your journey towards healing. You are determined, you have made yourself, your needs and desires known -you have made yourself accountable and you will do this! Pat yourself on the back for stepping up to the challenge. Sending love & healing wishes. xo lenna

  12. Bearing your soul is healthy and part of the healing process. I'm glad you opened your heart and shared your "other side" with your blogger friends. We all have our challenges and how we deal with them is a learning process that each one of us faces.

    Building your casa had to take a lot out of you because nothing goes as planned. Plus, you didn't have the resources at hand making it even harder to find the materials that you desired.

    I think you did a marvelous job and discovered that you can't let people walk all over you. Sometimes we need to get angry and forceful. GOOD FOR YOU!

    Question...will Habibi travel with you or do you have a friend to care for him while you have knee surgery?

    I truly hope the wait is not long because you need to get on with the more enjoyable phase of your life in Mexico.

    Thank goodness for our art; it does help the stress level.

    Love you,

  13. Lady D, I love that you always have so much hope. You are still and have been my inspiration.

    Take care of yourself, and I will be here no matter what.

  14. Love the honesty of your post. I too, live with daily pain and can relate. Being limited to what you can do is so frustrating. Some days I don't even get out of bed. You've given me encouragement and support I have been missing. Thank you for that!
    A friend from the past.
    fondly, Nancy