I'm actually a very private person. There's not many people walking upon this earth who know me at a soul level. If and when I trust someone and become close, they know everything .. otherwise, it's really pretty superficial. More than that, it has to be a two way street. It can't be all about 'them' or all about 'me'. Just don't function well in those relationships. They drain me. Sometimes I wonder about that.
I read an interesting post yesterday. My old and dear friend Patty Waite wrote about it on her blog, "Nomadic Notebook". You can view the post HERE. It's interesting. Patty and I met through our blogs years ago and have kept in touch ever since. It was a dilemma for she and her husband as well. However, she feels that she has learned 'going public' has given her many gifts from many people, such as support, recipes for cancer, etc. etc. Have a peek.
So here I go ... opening up to the world. As I said, not easy for me. It's an experiment to see how I deal with it. Last year, when I went into the hospital to have my knee replaced (I was literally sitting on the bed, suitcase in hand), the Dr. looked at my blood report and said 'Let's repeat this, there is something wrong". In ten minutes he had the results. "You will have to see a hematologist ... something is wrong - I don't know what, but I can't operate. You could bleed out. No one has ever bled out in my clinic, and you're not going to be the first." Yikes.
So off to the hematologist I go. Diagnosis? Leukemia ... CLL to be exact. Since my private medical insurance has lapsed due to the fall of the Canadian dollar which made the expense outrageous, I have had no treatment and it has not been staged. That will wait until I get back to Canada. I am in shock. I'm learning to live with it. I'm not good at changing my diet - consequently eating an anti cancer diet is very off and on.
A month ago I was diagnosed with macular degeneration in both eyes. Not something an artist and creator wants to hear.
So there you have it. Out in the open for all to see. I really don't want to talk about it a lot ... in fact, life experience tells me most people don't want to hear it. I don't want to 'dwell' on it either or become obsessed ... I believe that will do more harm than good. Thinking positive .. a new beginning moving to Canada, starting afresh and regaining my health. Acceptance is an issue for me as fatigue is a huge part of CLL. Telling friends, 'no, I'm not coming' is major as well ... it's all about acceptance. Ah, the lessons we are given.
So here's to you ... my friends, new and old. Thank you for your ear. Something I have learned for myself at least - it's very healthy to express concerns, at least once. Put it out there and then drop it and move forward again. That's what the plan is.
I am, of course, at my easel today as I am most days, and half the night! Trying something I have never done before, or in fact ever had much interest in. Flowers. Love them on my table and in the garden. On the canvas ... not so much. I am working on a large 3 ft. square piece (without frame) ... it's a work in progress. Nowhere near finished. Good change of scene after the conversation above.
WIP. "Waltz of the Flowers" oil on canvas, 37" X 37" gold leaf frame
"Most people live in fear of some terrible event changing their lives, the death of a loved one or a serious illness. For the chronically ill, this terrible event has already happened, and we have been let in on an amazing secret: You survive. You adapt, and your life changes, but in the end you go on, with whatever compromises you have been forced to make, whatever losses you have been forced to endure. You learn to balance your fears with the simple truth that you must go on living.”